


This soul has broken

by Amber_Flicker



Series: These Moments Wishing I Could Help You [4]
Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, what am I doing to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:10:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5272640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Flicker/pseuds/Amber_Flicker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin looked up, confused. "What?"</p><p>"Tell me you don't really care. Tell me you don't love me."</p><p>(Third in a series, but can be read as a stand alone.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	This soul has broken

"Don't care about me."

Kevin looked up, confused. "What?" Connor sat beside him stiffly.

"Tell me you don't really care. Tell me you don't love me."

"I- _What?_ " He had no idea how to respond to something like _that._ "Why would I ever want to say that?"

Connor stared at him with empty eyes. "I want it to stop. I can't end it if it would hurt someone, so tell me you don't care."

"But I do." Unlike the devoid tone of the other man, Kevin's voice was raw with emotion. "I love you."

"No."

"Yes!"

" _You're deluding yourself._

"I am not! I've never loved anyone else as much as I love you." Kevin whispered, wondering why Connor could never believe him yet knowing the answer.

"Why can't you just let me go?" His voice broke halfway through the sentence, anger and exhaustion and misery and _passion_ spilling over just like the tears from his eyes.

"Because the moment I do you'll destroy yourself!" 

"Maybe that's what I want! It happens often enough in my mind, why not make it a reality!" And now they were both crying and shouting at eachother. The whole of Uganda could probably hear the conversation. Somewhere along the way they'd both stood up.

"It's not a reality anyone wants!"

"That's a lie, and we all know it. They have _never_ tried to help, never asked if I was okay. And that's fine! I deserve to _suffer._ " Connor grit his teeth. "I am cursed. I'm dragging you down with me. And you are far too perfect for that. How can I save you if you won't let me?" 

"Please don't do this. I don't need saving. I can't live without you."

"Oh, Kevin. I'm already dead." He laughed, but there was no happiness in it. He opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He closed it again.

Silence.

Connor walked out, leaving Kevin to fall apart.

***

When Connor was found helping with dinner that night, unimaginable relief flooded Kevin. But watching him interact with the other Elders, it seemed like nothing had happened earlier. He was smiling and laughing and if he hadn't been there, Kevin wouldn't have believed this man was miserable. He doubted he would be able to make Connor talk to him about it. He knew him. He'd pretend nothing ever happened.

Until the next time.

When someone bottled up emotions all the time, it always resulted in an explosion.

***

"You're the only thing i'm living for."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've realized at this point that this series is basically me projecting my problems onto McKinley and making Kevin deal with the angst this causes... It's very de-stressing.
> 
> So here we are with yet another installment to the series. Just as badly written as the rest. Honestly, why do you people read these?


End file.
